Confession time. Life has been a doozy of a roller coaster over the last two weeks. I feel like I'm back on track now, but I let fear "drive the bus" for a little bit and it did nothing but take me off course. I had this idealized belief that finding my dharma would make life easier, and in many ways it has, but at the same time it's required a new way of thinking and engaging with the world and this has its own set of challenges. Like learning a new language and having to use it right away.
What happened? Well, I was doubtful and in a weak moment I reverted back to the safe and known. I tried to insert myself back into the career path I left (or left me, depending on how you think about it). And surprise, it didn't work at all energetically (duh). It was very clear, after interviewing last week, that this door has permanently closed behind me, at least in the traditional sense. Just like breaking up with someone, and getting back together later only to realize all the reasons it didn't work in the first place.
So what next? I figured I needed a change in perspective so I took a Bikram style yoga class yesterday. It was hot, sweaty, and so refreshing at the same time because it challenged my body and brain in an unfamiliar way. It helped me reconnect to the beauty of the beginners mind... the awkwardness of the growth process and reframed what I'm experiencing in my day-to-day life. I still don't have all the answers, but I woke up this morning feeling like a unicorn again, and that feels so much better than pretending to be who I was.